So um.
I am just going to write this in hopes that you read it. I mean, I guess I said it all today but I want more from you. You talk none stop these days but when it comes to us you clam up. I feel like I just want to beat the dead horse in hopes that it’ll wake back up and kick me. I can’t let go. I see, after tonight what’s happening. I paced outside the studio and knew then I would have to quit my job, go home, pretend I never met you and try to piece some sort of new life together. I read your rantings. You tried to explain them away, but I know you meant it and it finally clicked in me when you got up to go to the bathroom, my biggest fear was realized.
You pitied me.
You felt sorry for me and that’s why this whole mess happened. Those texts, your face. You didn’t mean them at all. You just feel bad for me. You thought you could make me happy and boost my self esteem and if you tried hard enough, maybe you could love me. But it didnt work. And we’re left with this. I hate seeing you, you hate seeing me. We both feel like bags of shit when I get in your car and we both just want away.
I can’t lose you.
I don’t want this to be the end. I have nothing left.
Nothing.
I realized the other day, which, God help me it’s only been a week. I tried to text some of my friends that had grown away from me, they answered short, uninterested answers. I am not needed or wanted by anyone anymore. I really serve no purpose and the drive I have to become some one is dwindling because, even if I made it, if my musical went to broad way, if I went on a world tour. If my books sell big. I have no one to share it with, and I am so alone in the world.
So alone.
If this friendship doesn’t work out, you have her. I have Jackie? I have Jackie.
That’s all.
I want to keep trying, as much as I don’t, it’s equally devastating to imagine my life with or without you now.
All the things you said, and all the things you’ve done, that you never meant, I just, I need to push it aside. I need to see it for what it was. A very beautiful, very powerful, long and lovely dream.
That’s all it was.
A dream.
If I work really hard, if I just keep working till I’m sore and tired, I can make up for the mistakes I’ve made, pay off my debt and save up. Maybe get a car and disappear. Maybe I can start all over some where else. I can travel the country in my car, see every ocean, go to all the places Brian Cox has been and absorb everything I can out of life.
Or maybe I can quit my job, never see you again and sign spin till I can’t take it anymore and jump off a building out of boredom and self-loathing.
But then again… you bought that damn table.
You bought that table, after the fact, you bought it with the intent of living with me.
Why?
Why did you buy that gaddamn table?
I am just rambling. She’s so pretty. I mean, really. You’ve finally picked one that is worthy. Maybe this is part of your grieving process. Maybe this is what you need right now, I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been through what you went through.
I’ve never had a real relationship.
I am starting to believe I never will.
I’m not really cut out for it anyway I guess, I mean, I can’t even have sex for Christ’s sake.
I don’t understand why I was born.
I have so many talents, I really do and I am painfully aware of how good I am at the things I do, but I never have anyone to share with. I guess the best thing you did for me was to see what I’ve done, to read what I’ve written and hear what I have to say because I’ve had to keep everything to myself my whole life. No one has ever cared about me till you came along. I just want to thank you for that. More than anything else you’ve done I want to thank you for appreciating my existence because now I know at least one person knew I was good for something. I have so much to offer and the sick twisted fuck that made me decided to package all this talent up in a shitty body and waste it. I’m sorry that you feel so guilty. That wasn’t my intent, I honestly just wish none of this had ever happened and that I could be the one to comfort you now and not the source of your pain.
I hate hurting you.
You deserve to be so happy. I know you will be. If I go away, you will be happy. You won’t feel bad anymore and I won’t be a burden, I promise I will go away if this doesn’t work out but I really need you to try with me. I think we can be great still, just as friends. I really think we can if we survive this ruff patch. We have so much potential and your song sounds so amazing, it turned out even better than I expected when I first heard it back in March. If nothing else, I know this album has to happen, even if it’s the last thing we do together, it is going to be a beautiful storyof what happened, you know? I don’t know…I just don’t want to let all our dreams die with this. It was such a beautiful dream, the van, the movie, the apartment, everything.
I lied when I said I didn’t snoop on your computer, there is one other thing I looked at. I noticed you copied a quote off my Tumblr, about our hands fitting like clockwork. I wish I knew why you kept that. It made me smile because back when I wrote it, it was the one thing I really hoped you’d see some day.
I’ve never wished for a redo button more in my life, I would go to January and tell myself to stop fighting with you, that you were right to be scared about this happening. You were right to put friendship and the music above those fleeting feelings. I shouldn’t have convinced you that we could work through anything. I’m sorry I lied to you. I did not anticipate things going so terribly wrong. I figured we were so perfect for eachother nothing would be wrong. I’m so sorry.
I ruined everything by pushing you to do something you knew was a bad idea.
I value your friendship so much, I, I cant imagine never talking to you again. But if things stay like this, I know I will have to face it.
I can not believe it was only 6 months.
6 months.
I feel like you have been in my life forever.
I don’t know what else to say, all I know is that I really need a hug.
